Vulnerability - My deepest fear

As usual this week I am combining my Life of a Blogger (by Novel Heartbeat) post with my Friendship Friday (by Create with Joy).  This week's topic is fears. 

Some fears are easy to discuss, and some are harder to discuss. It depends a lot on what your fears are. For instance, I have a fear of making myself vulnerable. So stating my fears actually goes against one of my deepest fears. However, I've been working on this specific fear, so this post will be a good opportunity to test out my new mad skilz at being vulnerable.

The Scream
Artist: Edvard Munch
(who theoretically had bipolar)

One of the things that has been making me feel vulnerable lately is my recent diagnosis of bipolar disorder. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this diagnosis, it used to be called manic-depressive disorder. I'm diagnosed with type 2, which means I've only been "hypomanic" and not "fully manic." Hypomania increased my irritability, irrationality, and impulsivity while (on a happier note) making me feel that I couldn't be wrong, that I had the ability to climb the highest mountains and take on the world. I lost several people I considered friends during that period. And that still makes me feel abandoned and vulnerable. (Though, I have to admit, the online community is SO amazingly supportive, and I'm very thankful for you guys. You're all rockstars!)

With the spirit of fighting my fears, I will admit that the reason my blog has been a bit quiet last week is because I was in the psych ward of the hospital. (My doctor was unfortunately not as handsome as the one above.) I was really angry at my psychiatric NP for putting me there, because I didn't feel that I was in crisis at that time. But now that I'm out, I realize that he was trying to make sure I was stabilized and ready for my new job, which starts on the 2nd of September. He was being forward thinking, and I was very unappreciative. I guess I'll have to thank him later.

I hadn't originally planned on writing about my mental illness on this post - nor had I planned to mention that I'd been hospitalized in my upcoming weekly update. But when I was searching stock photos for a nice illustration of fear, I found the one above. It seemed fitting, somehow. Before I can change (and therefore master my new job), I need to admit to myself that I actually am in crisis. And to admit that, I need to make myself vulnerable. 

The picture I wanted to choose for this post is the one above - with the spooky religious images. I'd already been having a bit of a faith crisis before I was diagnosed with bipolar, but the diagnosis put my faith into a tailspin. What if...I thought...what if all this time that I thought I was being inspired or called by God, all those feelings of "rightness" and euphoria were just figments of a hypomanic mind? That is the most terrifying feeling I've ever experienced. The foundation of my faith was no longer stable. I'd say on the Richter scale this faithquake was about a 6.5. Most of my faith is still there, but I'm walking around all wobbly. There were a lot of things I felt that God had called me to do - writing is among them. I started writing this blog because I felt that God wanted me to write, and a blog would be a good place to practice both writing and marketing. Now I wonder...what do I blog for? If I give up on my faith, do I stop blogging?

Anyway, putting my vulnerability and faith aside, my own diagnosis of mental illness is a fantastic segue to plug my upcoming Suicide and Mental Illness Theme Read. Don't forget to stop by my blog in September and October to see what people are reading and watching for this event. I'll also be having a couple of giveaways. You're welcome to jump in and participate at any point in time...all you need to do is read or watch something that educates you on suicide or mental illness. It can even be something that's an accurate portrayal of mental illness - just tell us why you think it's not. :) I have a list of suggestions for both books and movies.

How do we know about Jesus?

As I pointed out in my New Years Resolutions, this year I have decided to explore my relationship with Jesus. Who is Jesus, and what does he mean to me? This has always been a sticky question that I avoided. My first book in my quest is: The Meaning of Jesus: Two Visions, by Marcus Borg and N. T. Wright. Borg is a liberal Jesus historian and Wright a conservative one. The book is a set of essays which outlines an ongoing discussion that these two friends have continued for years. 

In the introduction, they list three target audiences: first, they hope that this book will be of interest to Christians and non-Christians alike. 

"We both believe strongly that what we say about Jesus and the Christian life belongs, not in a private world, inaccessible and incomprehensible except 'from faith to faith,' but in the public world of historical and cross-cultural study, in the contemporary world as well as the church."

Second, they hope that this book will provide new insight into a debate that has become gridlocked among Christians - liberal vs. conservatives.

Third, they hope that their book will speak to people who want to better understand how different visions of Jesus translate into Christian life. This, I suppose, is why I bought the book originally - though the academic arguments will probably be of more interest to me. :)

In their first section, they ask the question: How do we know about Jesus? In their separate essays, Borg and Wright point out the difficulties of deciphering the historical data about Jesus. They agree that everybody's interpretation of history is viewed through the lens of their own perception or worldview. Borg describes four lenses through which he views Jesus: 

1. Gospels are history remembered as well as history metaphorized
2. Jesus was a Jewish figure teaching and acting within Judaism
3. Jesus' legacy was developed by the community of early Christians
4. Jesus' legacy was developed by a variety of modern forms of Christianity, as well as other religions.

Borg and Wright agree that modern secular culture, which believes that the universe can be studied, understood, and described by natural laws, can be used as a weapon against faith. Borg says that it is easy to lose sight of the divine Jesus when you have a strongly secular worldview. Wright points out that with a secular worldview, you are focused on data and theories. Both scientists and historians ask the questions: 

Does the theory make sense of the available data? Does it have the appropriate simplicity? Does it shed lights on other areas of research? 

History differs from science in that there are no agreed-on criteria for what counts as "making sense" and "simplicity." Therefore, it is very hard to for Jesus historians to come up with any consensus. 

Both Wright and Borg focus on the difficulty of working out the historical evidence of Jesus and the gospels. Borg thinks it is necessary to see and appreciate both the historical Jesus and the spiritual one, lest you lose sight of Jesus altogether. These two entities are not the same - the first is an actual man who was once alive, the second is a concept that has influenced spirituality for thousands of years. 

"When we emphasize his divinity at the expense of his humanity, we lose track of the utterly remarkable human being that he was." 

On the other hand, Borg believes that if you emphasize only historical fact and what Jesus meant in his own time to his own people, you lose sight of how strongly his message has influenced today's culture, and what he means to us today. 

In contrast, Wright says that he doesn't think the early Christians made a distinction between the historical Jesus and the divine Jesus, so why should he? He feels that these "two versions" of Jesus are one and the same, and that whenever he reads literature about the historical Jesus, it reinforces his faith in the spiritual Jesus. 

Personally, I'm inclined to agree with Borg on this subject. I think that he nailed my problem directly on the head: all my life I've tried to combine the historical Jesus and the divine Jesus into one entity. Thus, my faith and my secular worldview were battling for prominence in my perception of Jesus, and I lost sight of Him altogether. If I can separate the two entities in my head, I will be able to appreciate both the wisdom of the historical man and the divine love of the Christ Jesus.