Facing my demons - 16

Suddenly,
I feel a hand around my ankle
Before I have time to 
GASP! 
for air
I am pulled under. 
My mouth is filled with blood.
Dear God, let it be blood
not sewage
I cannot taste.
But in my panic
I yearn.

Facing my demons - 15

Alone
Strangled by grief
Abandoned
Lost
Why do I ever trust?
But I do. 
I always do.
And for some reason
I still do.

Facing my demons - 14

Abandoned again
I want to cry.
But I have no eyes.

Suicide and Mental Illness Awareness Theme Read - Signup!

The time has come to start thinking about what you're going to read (or watch) for my upcoming Suicide and Mental Illness Awareness Theme! This is going to be an informal event occurring during the months of September and October. Anyone who wants to participate can hop in at any point during these two months and post a link to a review of a book or movie/show/documentary that promotes suicide and mental illness awareness. 

As I said in my post To ASIST or not to assist, I believe that it is very important for people to be open and supportive about mental illness and suicidal ideation. Stigma pollutes our culture, discouraging people who need help from speaking out - it's the people who talk who end up healing. We need more healthy people in the world, and suicide and mental illness advocacy is one way to promote this goal. 

During my event, I will have posts which collect links to reviews from participants. I will host suicide / mental illness giveaways. And, hopefully, I can find some guest bloggers who wish to share their thoughts and experiences in mental illness advocacy. Please let me know if you have something you want to share!

There's no need to formally sign up for this event, but if you'd like, it would be nice to get a headcount in the comments to this post...so I know how many giveaways I should plan. See you all soon!

Facing my demons - 13

I can still feel.
I still hold the hand of my friend
who suffers his own misery.
He cannot tell me how he feels
but I know we are still in this together.
And then he disappears 
into the cesspool.

Mini Bloggiesta! July 19-20 - Goals

Due to several recent annoyances with Blogger (like things suddenly not working when they worked just fine before), I have chosen to make a move to Wordpress. This will be a slowish move, since I'm confident of what I'm doing before I do it. So although there are lots of ways this blog could improve, I'm going to focus on only a few small issues this weekend: 

• Set up a bloglovin' account
• Catch up on writing book reviews and create a schedule for their publication
• Prepare for my upcoming Suicide / Mental Illness theme read coming up in September and October. (Woops. Was that a plug? I really do need to make the button and plan!)
• Make better use of StumbleUpon
• Create Challenge/Tour tab

Hope everyone's blog development plans go well this weekend!

Facing my demons - 12

I cannot see.
I cannot hear.
I'm drowning in my own blood and bile...
I THINK that's what the viscous fluid in my mouth is
I can't taste it
Please
don't let it be from the cesspool.
I swallow

Facing my demons - 11

With a jolt
the other friend and I grasp hands
and clumsily half-swim to the Gate.
We reach out together
and pain sears through my hand. 
Burning as if the Gate were a red-hot iron.
Shooting neuralgic pain
in every nerve of my being.
Shrieks so deafening
blood leaks from my ears.
Ice picks of darkness piercing my eyes
Bitter, tangy acid assaulting my tongue.
I bite.
I swallow and spit.
I choke on my dismembered tongue.
I release the Gate.
It will not open.

Facing my demons - 10

Almost too late
we see the danger.
We could have been caught
drowned in the cesspool
because we couldn't take the positive step
forward.
But the One friend calls.

Facing my demons - 9

Procrastination
As the cesspool rises to our chins
we panic.
Surely it will be worse further down.
We are paralyzed by indecision
all rational thought escapes.
Incongruously, I think:
Should I apply to that job tomorrow?
the one I think I won't get?
Or do I buy a bottle of vodka
swim out into Lake Superior
as far as I can go?
To be washed out to sea
eaten by fish
escaping yet another rejection
another abandonment
another betrayal?
The final procrastination.

Facing my demons - 8

Procrastination
It has stalked us through life
cementing us in imaginary complaisance.
We cannot do what we want to do:
the economy
selfish bosses
back-stabbing coworkers
bad advice
ill preparation
low chance of success
Excuses.
But they seem so real.
Only excuses.
But what is the real reason?
Those demons lie further down.

Facing my demons - 7

Procrastination.
We would rather stand knee-deep 
in sludge
frigid
Colder than is physically possible. 
I should be numb
but I can feel disturbingly warm currents as well. 
The levels rise.
The reek intensifies.
And yet we bicker.
Tears
Wall punching
Gut wrenching sobs
Cruel words that neither of us mean
Emotional destruction
is what we choose
rather than facing our demons inside.