Facing my demons - 23

My friends.
The one
my strength.
The other
imperfect other
who loves me
in my imperfection.
They have not left me behind
with Procrastination.
Despite my doubt, 
they have dragged me
under the Gate
to Fear.

Facing my demons - 22

My skin tears
breaks
separates from my flesh.
The left side of my face
my palms
gone. 
I know this
though I can't see.
But I am too cold to bleed.
Blood freezes in ruptured capillaries.

Facing my demons - 21

Face
Hands 
Frozen to the ice
cemented by filth
I pull
My skin is weaker
than my stubbornness.

Facing my demons - 20

Momentum
keeps me sliding 
on ice
till I freeze
in place. 
Sewage
Puke
Blood 
frozen.
Cements me to the ground.

Facing my demons - 19

I arrive in the next circle
puking blood and sewage.
GASP!
for breath
but my lungs freeze.
COUGH!
HACK!
GASP!

Facing my demons - 18

Transition.
He hid in the tundra
crying
cutting
cutting
cutting himself with ice.
My name is Legion 
for we are many.
My name is Legion 
for we are many.
My name is Legion
for we are many.
I believe my Lord!
Help me in my unbelief!
My name is Legion
for we are many.

Facing my demons - 17

I yearn to go on
to face my demons beyond the Gate 
And I am relentlessly pulled
The hand on my ankle
Firm. 
Recklessly dragging me under
The Gate

Facing my demons - 16

Suddenly,
I feel a hand around my ankle
Before I have time to 
GASP! 
for air
I am pulled under. 
My mouth is filled with blood.
Dear God, let it be blood
not sewage
I cannot taste.
But in my panic
I yearn.

Facing my demons - 15

Alone
Strangled by grief
Abandoned
Lost
Why do I ever trust?
But I do. 
I always do.
And for some reason
I still do.

Facing my demons - 14

Abandoned again
I want to cry.
But I have no eyes.

Facing my demons - 13

I can still feel.
I still hold the hand of my friend
who suffers his own misery.
He cannot tell me how he feels
but I know we are still in this together.
And then he disappears 
into the cesspool.

Facing my demons - 12

I cannot see.
I cannot hear.
I'm drowning in my own blood and bile...
I THINK that's what the viscous fluid in my mouth is
I can't taste it
Please
don't let it be from the cesspool.
I swallow

Facing my demons - 11

With a jolt
the other friend and I grasp hands
and clumsily half-swim to the Gate.
We reach out together
and pain sears through my hand. 
Burning as if the Gate were a red-hot iron.
Shooting neuralgic pain
in every nerve of my being.
Shrieks so deafening
blood leaks from my ears.
Ice picks of darkness piercing my eyes
Bitter, tangy acid assaulting my tongue.
I bite.
I swallow and spit.
I choke on my dismembered tongue.
I release the Gate.
It will not open.

Facing my demons - 10

Almost too late
we see the danger.
We could have been caught
drowned in the cesspool
because we couldn't take the positive step
forward.
But the One friend calls.

Facing my demons - 9

Procrastination
As the cesspool rises to our chins
we panic.
Surely it will be worse further down.
We are paralyzed by indecision
all rational thought escapes.
Incongruously, I think:
Should I apply to that job tomorrow?
the one I think I won't get?
Or do I buy a bottle of vodka
swim out into Lake Superior
as far as I can go?
To be washed out to sea
eaten by fish
escaping yet another rejection
another abandonment
another betrayal?
The final procrastination.

Facing my demons - 8

Procrastination
It has stalked us through life
cementing us in imaginary complaisance.
We cannot do what we want to do:
the economy
selfish bosses
back-stabbing coworkers
bad advice
ill preparation
low chance of success
Excuses.
But they seem so real.
Only excuses.
But what is the real reason?
Those demons lie further down.

Facing my demons - 7

Procrastination.
We would rather stand knee-deep 
in sludge
frigid
Colder than is physically possible. 
I should be numb
but I can feel disturbingly warm currents as well. 
The levels rise.
The reek intensifies.
And yet we bicker.
Tears
Wall punching
Gut wrenching sobs
Cruel words that neither of us mean
Emotional destruction
is what we choose
rather than facing our demons inside.

Facing my demons - 6

Procrastination.
This is the first demon two of us face.
Only the One friend
urges entry through the gate.
The other and I bicker
Bring up old angers that should have been buried
long ago.
So long ago.

Facing my demons - 5

I don't know how long I stand there
transfixed by the horrific gate
seconds?
days?
Suddenly I am aware
two friends have followed me.
They have not deserted me, as I had thought.
One - I am relieved to see
for he can face my demons with me
keeping me strong. 
But the other?
Why have you come here?
It is dangerous!
He looks at me
his eyes a chaotic mixture
friendship
love
vulnerability
fear.
He, too, has demons to face.
We will face them together.
The three of us.
A team.

Facing my demons - 4

The walls of the catacombs
pulse inwards
closer
closer
The path downwards is claustrophobic.
At times, I slither on my belly
through tunnels slick with...
is it puke?
blood?
excrement?
The smells combine
choking me
I retch.
Suddenly, I am sliding
out of control
down
down
down.
I land with a splash in a knee-deep puddle.
Try not to think about the reeking, slimy mess.
I have arrived at the Gate.
Alone.
Disgusted.
Afraid.